I learned to divide myself
not out of cleverness
but out of need.
To keep the engine running,
each part learned its station:
one for winning,
one for not sitting still long enough
for the floor to give way.
Stillness was expensive.
Motion paid the bills.
I organized my inner life
like a system under pressure
efficient,
quiet,
appearing whole.
Could it be that you were just a mirror, reflecting back at me? Was our connection state dependent? Did you feel my warmth? Or was it just a reverie?
Intense feelings that are separate from the situation’s reality. Must be tested. Seek external perspectives, check assumptions, focus on facts, be objective, logical, ask questions, and grab a paper and pen to tally negative self-labels against actual behaviors to analyze discrepancies.
External affirmation in pursuit of intensity, admiration and reassurance. Not for connection itself but instead to stabilize the fragile internal self structure.
I was attached to the parts of myself that she temporarily activated.
Thinking, this is a place where my depth can matter. My love can land. My intuition can guide. And my nurturing can transform. But it was just a fantasy. 🌙
the Purgatory of a Broken Heart 