I will not let it in

Try as hard as it may

I keep violently pushing it away

The bars are up

…however this makes me a prisoner of my own devices

I could not comprehend this

Until I, tried to get out

I have this voice in my head

That does not sound like me

Keeps telling me the cruelest things and won’t let me rest or be

I keep pushing it out

It creeps right back in again

Telling me these crazy things

That does not sound like myself

I keep diverting the thoughts

I am in control you see

Yet the control is unraveling

With quickening speed

Excruciating pain shattering me

Into a million fragmented pieces

How could I pull myself together again?

How could I become whole again?

All I know is endless pain

Like a storm that will never end

It just keeps on raging and wreaking havoc

Dragging my core down to the depths

Where I can not even seem to catch a breath

Nor utter a word in defense of myself

Underneath the anger just a dull aching pain

Hurt

Fight or flight overactivated once again

Forgiving.. easy

Forgetting… impossible

Dark thoughts repetitious swirling around in my head

Like an infinite loop

Too powerful to pull away

I do not have the strength seemingly

And it’s destroying me spiritually

Mentally tortured and unhappy

I melted off

I was naive

Not knowing the loss

I could not conceive

I could not even breathe

My heart stopped

Lump in my throat

Stomach in knots

I perish the thought I ever met you

I blessed and cursed the day

I let you have your way

There is not much more

It evaporated

The heartbreak of lore

The purgatory fated